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Energetic go-getter needed

W

e are looking to hire a skilled witch burner. You must have a bullet-proof commitment to moral outrage, persecution and an urge to cleanse.

You require an ability to compartmentalize any sense of hypocrisy. Just because you and your colleagues live unrestrained and morally polluted lives, that should not prevent you from leading the charge to rid the world of the flawed who imagine that we would allow anyone who is less-than-perfect to hold public office.

This position can only be held by someone who is tone deaf and therefore impervious to pleas for mercy, understanding or grace.

You must possess an ability to act as if in support of some greater purpose, what was previously inspired by eternal moral precepts handed down from the deity. While our current societal moral arbitrage allows for no authentic echo of a purer past… your witch hunting and burning must evoke some sense that there is a standard to which we aspire. You need to convincingly portray that your hunting is a part of some higher good and not simply the production of tasty morsels to feed the ravenous maw of the news cycle.

If you have the ability to destroy lives, to traffic in shock, to don the mantle of secular zealot plus the wide-eyed enthusiasm to hunt, hound and pummel those with clay feet, apply now to the New York Times, CBS News, CNN, the Washington Post, the Daily Beast… actually any fourth estate corporation smugly trying on the dusty ecclesiastical robes found after taking over the first estate.